Serial Boredom Killer

-have you ever felt like you were losing someone and it was no one’s fault but your own?

like you fuck up on something that you never thought you could fuck up on…say, like hurting someone. you say you never will…but then you do. not in the way you said you wouldn’t, but in a way you didn’t know you could. 

and you figure out a long time before that this needs to be fixed.

but just as you begin to understand how to fix it, this person reaches the brink.
they just can’t take it anymore.
they’re being hit from all angles with the same issues and no one’s listening.
not even you.
they’d lost faith that you’d be better a long time ago, and now, they don’t trust you anymore either.

they’re at what seems to be the point of no return.

the little things turn into big issues.
and EVERYBODY has got them.
issues.

you’re getting better at owning up to your mistakes.
learning not to fear making them (and thus avoiding making them by not trying so hard not to make them).
but now everyone’s mistakes have finally started to cave in around this person.

so while you’re finally starting to figure out how to clear the debris off the roof before it totally caves in,
they’re searching for an escape hatch.

the feelings are real. deep. dark, even.
you’re genuine. open. ready to give it all.
but they don’t see anyone holding up a light for them.
not even you.

there’s an odd distance.
that’s not really a distance.
but more like a wall.
because although you can be only inches apart, the distance up and back down the wall is  miles long.

and you feel like there’s not much you can do,
but hope that they’d still want to look at your face.
even if it’s only through the window in that wall.

now, all i find myself hoping for,
is that that window is open
and that i can find a way to get through it.

i hope i haven’t really begun to lose you. 

Insanity sets in, finally some normalcy.
I thrive on moments like this,
a bit ass backwards if you ask me.
But still. I love it!
Home is too stressful, school is too boring,
friends are too fake, and love is too complicated.
But this, in all its chaos, is simple.
Swirly, growing, shaking-
thoughts that could beat someone senseless I’m sure,
even after jotting them down
on the children of murdered trees…
Paper, you see? There I go again, complicating.
And pens are future detritus
filled with squid guts…ha, not really.
But if we’re going to talk complication,
I could confuse the Mad Hatter.
Lines, dots, curves, that’s all I see when I focus real hard,
but we both know there’s more there.
Words, but not just, for there is meaning, sentiment,
a story to be told.
Is it one that people want to hear?
Does it even want to be told?
I’ve never stopped to ask
or to apologize for the thoughts and ideas
I throw out into the cold, cruel world,
whose inhabitants listen with judging ears.
For no one thought, once verbalized or written,
is not scrutinized,
even by the person from which it originated.
We call ourselves editors, but we merely slaughter the original.
Too bad, perfection is pain
and in madness there is much to perfect.
But I won’t touch this; I’ll leave it to sit on the minds
of those who it confuses and inspire those who breathe
for the insanity of the mind of a writer. 

-this is a piece i wrote actually as a free write…two years ago this coming february…i took part in a writing workshop my senior year in high school and one night we had extra time and our instructor (if you will) told us to use that time as a free write…most of my free writes were just random thoughts that would come to mind, i was so scatter-brained none of it ever really sounded good…usually being about the food that someone wasn’t supposed to have in the room or about the latest romantic escapade that was going on, etc. but this one was brilliant and true to my word, i have never edited it, changed it, or added to it. it’s remained in this format, with this punctuation since the day i wrote it down ^_^ i have the original written copy somewhere, but someone reminded me that i had it somewhere today and i thought i’d share it with you followers<3

as always, enjoy*

She stood at the altar,
waiting.
And everyone else was waiting too.
For one of us to realize it was just a phase.
Two women couldn’t possibly be in love,
raise a family,
spend the rest of their lives together.
But as they all held their breath
and held mine as well
I walked, unfalteringly,
knowing she was the only one
who could ever hold my heart.
She spoke her vows
and I spoke mine
and in the sweet sparkling wine of those words,
whose glisten was only matched by the tears
brimming in our eyes,
I saw it.
And the rest of the world 
breathed out.
No longer holding its breath
no longer holding us in contempt
of this structure we call church.
Because they saw it too.
Not who we were, two women,
a lesbian ceremony,
but because of what we had.
Something the world has forgotten to want
because it’s been in want of it for too long.
A love
stronger than their words
that, made to cut and draw blood
are only made of glass.
But we are stone.
And long after we’re done
we will become the sands of time
and run slowly
telling a story
of how I married you that day
at the altar
holding my breath
as you slipped the ring onto my finger
and promised me the forever
I already knew we were meant to spend
together.

—i wrote this a while back…quite inspired by one of my favorite spoken word artists…if i remember correctly..for fear that it might be taken out of context by some..but i post it now because i’m quite in need of posting one of my own pieces and i think this is probably one of my favorites..not because it’s won an award, not because it was written for anyone in particular, not because i plan on proposing to my future wife with it, or telling her that ‘i wrote it with you in mind’ or any of that cliche bull…but because i’m happy with the way it conveys the message it’s meant to and i like the way it flows and i like my word choice. i’m proud of it, and wanted to finally show it off…so here it is :) if you like it lemme know ^_^

enjoy<3

How does someone talk about themselves without boasting?
Hmm well let’s let you ask for the information.
What do I look for in a woman? I’d very much like to find someone close to the kind of person I am. I like me.
What kind of person do I think I am? Well I’m me. I’m not going to go in on my favorite qualities about myself, I’m very humble about all the gifts I’ve been blessed with, especially the ones that the ladies like.
Am I a flirt? Sometimes *laughs * but I’m not some sort of…oh what do they call it? Whore?
Do I enjoy the romantics? Yes of course I do but if I were to unleash mine on you, there would just be no hope for you. *smiles *
So am I saying that I’m quite the Prince Charming? I wouldn’t say that specifically, but you could call me a modern day Romeo.
Isn’t that the same thing? Maybe, but look at the context. One is Shakespearean, much more….erm, mature?
Yes I supposed, but then comes down to it, they both died in the end didn’t they? Yes *tugs at collar * but it was romantic enough wasn’t it?….*nervous laugh*
How long ago were you with another girl? Um….I believe I have a previous engagement at a predestined time.

Boasting never ends well…even with yourself ;)

——————————————————————————-

-so i just found this saved on my laptop and thought i’d share. it’s almost satirical. and alittle funny to be honest. it’s poignant in a sense :)

enjoy*

My love is plain and ordinary
     but that is to the world
For to me much more is seen.
I hear her nervous laughter when
     She tries to be tough but trembles scared.
Her smile is my morning
     as her voice is my rain.
Through pain her arms
     become my stronghold,
though her skin is soft
     as the petals of a newborn rose.
To her, the little things
     are the world,
     in which I feel lucky to find myself.
My smiles are her fault
     and my undoing.
For a smoldering look
     from the depthless eyes
     makes my poor, happy heart stop.
Silver linings are her specialty
     and she knows that dark clouds can
     only hide the sun for so long.
Our differences are our conversations
     and our similarities, long knowing looks
     in which I do not lose, but find myself.
She adds to me, though I need not
     because she’s always been me.
The better part of me.

-i wrote this last year for an assignment for school in my senior year of high school. well at least i wrote it and handed it in for an assignment. lol ^_^ i think, personally, it’s a nice piece…maybe not one of my best…one of my betters :) so tell me…

what do you think of it?*

you yell. she yells.
she cries. you’re mad.
she storms away.
she’s angry because she’s crying
you’re crying angry tears.
how dare she raise her voice—-
raise stupid points
lower her self esteem
and throw lowered expectations
at you.
it’s her fault, all her fault
that you’re aruging
and it’s—-your fault…all your fault
for not quelling her fears.
all this flies through your head
in the span of a second.
a mere moment to make the realization.
a moment is all it takes
for you to both realize
how ridiculous the argument was
and how you both wronged each other
because at that same moment
she walks back in,
tear stained face.
and in that same breath,
you apologize.
and the embrace between you both
is given
as if it would be the last
and yet would last forever.
she whispers ‘i love you’ into your shoulder
you kiss her forehead saying
‘i love you’
excluding the usual “too”
because in those moments
you’ve realized
that you do not ALSO love her,
but you simply
Love Her.

-i wrote this last night…it just kind of came to me and i freaking love it<3 i’m really happy with it…does anyone want to

tell me what you think?*

-“start quotation:why do you feel the need to do this to me? to turn me into this unspeakable monster of jealousy?…or at least try? what satisfaction will you get from turning me into everyone else you’ve known? from taking the one different thing in your life and forcing it to assimilate. you say that i don’t know what i can turn into and it’s true enough, i do not. but on my own it wouldn’t happen. is that a challenge to you? why? i don’t like being that kind of person, and i quickly bash in her face when i see it in a reflection, staring back at me with those green eyes. she is not me. never has been. never will be. or at least i thought so. till you made it your job to strengthen her till she’s damn near at the point of over taking me. will i fall like lucifer, not to temptation, but because of the sheer lack of strength to overcome the beast? every hateful thought encouraging. blood oozing slime. putrid thoughts corroding. my vision is blurred by acidic images and in my mouth a taste is left acrid, lingering. your words, my dear. not mine. never mine. they would never be. you’ve put them there. tearing through my decent brain. crawling out. out of my mouth. into my veins. through my heart. compressing my lungs. tightening my chest. i’m heavy now with leaden thoughts. they show themselves heavy because the burden is not mine to carry and i am unaccustomed to the extra weight. but by now the scene is set to play out. but it’s improv. you have not written the script. you do not decide what i become. and i’ll use the act of carrying the extra weight of your endless quotations intermingling with mine to train myself to be strong enough to fight this beast when you unleash her. or at least attempt to. so that i may stare her in the eyes. green and shining as they go dull with the thrust of a blade to her heart. my words the blade. few simple words. it doesn’t matter. and. i’m done. end quotation. decide now if the words are mine. or if you put them there.”

poem?*

-inspired today by paramore….don’t ask why or how, just was.

Remind Me to Write Me In by Cristina Lynn Filipe

remind me to move somewhere out west
and start it over again, all over again
with a new name
give me a new face and i’ll work it
in a brand new way
i wanna write a new story
tell you a fictional tale
but let me write it on my own
i don’t need anybody’s help
running fast, run away from this
sun-stained, wrinkled page
this story’s getting old
and i don’t think that i like the characters
or plot anymore
i need some new ideas
some new settings
a whole new storyline
cuz this is getting boring
and it’s starting to put people to sleep
and my crowd’s my livelihood
without them i am nothing
but i need to figure out
how to be
everything to me first
then maybe i can write myself off
no into a story i can bear to
read.

-so today i’ve been…erm…inspired?…i’ve just been writing alot….i’m not really happy with most of it, but whatever. i’m posting *sarcastic smile*

i’m fine, i’m okay by cristina lynn filipe

i’m fine
i always am
everything held inside
the shards of broken things
slicing at tender organs
my heart lies in tatters.
my lungs in shreds.
from all the shyt
that gets held in.
but why hurt everyone else with it?
these broken things feel no more.
the soft hands that try
to piece them back together.
the rough tongues
that shatter them further.
the hot salty tears that,
like them,
refuse to surface
but pool on the inside.
the water level rises
till there’s no more room
and it has to overflow
out the tears the broken things
hath made.
it’s not crying if
it lacks emotion.
even the windstorm on the inside
lacks panache.
unfeeling, a hot cold.
rock still, frozen it sits at times.
and i’m okay.

sense rhyme by cristina lynn filipe

i refuse to move
shed in a tear
out of fear?
insanity
the profanity swirling
lost in my brain
isn’t the thing that makes me insane
i need to go start running,
just get away
if i start doing that right now
then maybe someday
i’ll be free of the doubt
get somewhere where i can let it out
breathe
not die
just live
no lies
so long i’ve suffered
inside my own head
bashing thoughts against
it’s walls
sometimes they wish
they were dead
and i hate writing shyt that rhymes
usually no meaning, no suspense
but this time in all my confusion
i decided to make some sense.

-again, not terribly happy with what i’ve been writing but check it. <3

give me a reason
find me a rhyme
turn the world upside-down
but don’t turn it backwards
i don’t want to do it different
i wouldn’t change a thing
not a single breath
not a sunset i wouldn’t have watched
a tear i wouldn’t have shed
a smile i wouldn’t have shared
a hand i wouldn’t have held
there’s a slight happiness in knowing
that while all that’s happened is just in the past
it can never be changed because of that fact
so forget all reason
and don’t try to rhyme
i’m happy with things the way they were
and believe it or not
we’re all alright

-something i wrote yesterday, semi-aggravated and a bit disgusted with myself ^_^ enjoy<3

My Mind is Lost by Cristina Lynn Filipe

Where has the sophistication gone?
i’ve diminished in my own head
my intelligence has died.
ask me now of my ambitions
but give me the time to find them again.
i’m looking but to no avail.
my vocabulary as expansive as the sea
now spans a small puddle
in which my dreams have learned to drown.
i’ve taken a bite out of the the bull
humanity has been feeding me and have thus developed
shitty ideas.
i digress from the usual tug and pull
of doing something with my life
to bum out
but when will i return?
i feel i’ve lost the map
and my way back is blurred
shall we take acid and take this trip back together?
my ideas float but do not swim
and everytime they bash against the walls of my mind
they kill their own brain cells as well as mine.
have i lost it or have i been purposely thrown
down the rabbit hole
pushed, tripped, however you want to put it
so let me stop this involution
before we lose you too

-this was written forever ago. i’m not going to mention who it was written for, anyone that knows me already knows. i don’t know if she knows but that’s ok :) istillloveher<3

A Declaration

She makes me kinda nervous
in a happy sort of way.
I’d spend all my time with her
cuz she brightens up my day.
Time with her is never wasted,
it means the world to me.
Someday I’ll mean as much to her
and then the world will see.
My smiles are brighter
than the brightest star
and I’d love to get to where you are.
Since she showed up my world’s turned ‘round.
My heart was lost but now it’s found.
Take this for what it is
slightly more than a declaration
and now she’ll leave me here
trembling with anticipation.

so there it is….lemme know whatchu think. i’m going to try to post at least once a day too just to give you a heads up :D